Being a Timothy...

"A friend is someone who, when you forget your song, comes and sings it for you."

Over the past week, I've had a few conversations with some of my dearest friends and even with a woman pastor/chaplain that I have never met in Kansas City.  In those conversations, I was able to open my heart, talk about my struggles and my journey.  Each of these dear women giving me support, encouragement, validation and guidance. 

While my denomination supports fully and recognizes fully the call of God on women's lives, that doesn't mean that the journey a woman takes is the same as a man's.  Not considering the problems that exist in the protocol already, there are what seems like an endless chain of hoops that have to be jumped through for a woman to "prove" her calling.  Of course, these aren't written in stone or in the manual, but they are faced by every woman I have met that is in ministry.  And most men, would immediately tell me I'm wrong.  But I'm not. An example: I've been working at this all officially since 2006, I now have my district minister's license.   And I am patiently waiting for an assignment, have been for 3+ years.  A gentlemen in our church, decided to become a pastor, he was given his Local license in April (has no education or training) and has already been approached by District superitendents for pastorates in VA.  Examples like this could be listed probably indefinitely. 

I am just feeling like all that I have gone through, my time, my money, my efforts, my heartache...has all been a waste of time.  Oh, it is definitely not a waste in God's eyes. I know that I am called and that He has a purpose for me and that I am obiedently following Him.  But I feel that no one cares. No one cares to help me do what God's calling me to do.  When I force the issue, I get responses but what's it worth if I had to force the hand? Should they not be eager to help their up-and-coming leaders to be the best they can be, to have the experience they need, to be encouraged and supported?  

So I've been reading this book, 11 Indispensable relationships you can't be without, by Leonard Sweet.  I would recommend this book to anyone! It is life-changing.  I've been crying a lot, praying and asking God just really what am I supposed to do. Why are my feelings and experiences not being validated? Am I wrong for feeling this way? Well, like a message from God Himself, I read these words last night. 

"What Timothys need most is 'sounding boards." Superstring physics defines matter very simply: You and I are 'vibrating strings of energy.' We are string instruments...sounding boards by nature. Life plays those strings, and the notes of life are your thoughts and emotions. That's the danger of holding things in and keeping the notes to yourself. Those notes have to burst forth in song, and if they don't burst forth in song, they burst forth and explode in destructive ways.
     Neglected strings break when finally played. Some people never get the opportunity to play their song...so we medicate our numbness rather than play the song we've been given. The process of being a Timothy is a gradual revelation of the song your life is composing...that one-of-a-kind, unrepeatable, irreplaceable song that only you can sing. But Timothys need sounding boards to find their songs.
     Remember the Winnie the Pooh story about losing his song? He gets his friends to go on the hunt for his song and then he finds that his song is within him.  Too many Timothys are being told to 'play the part' of corporate Christendom: Sing all six verses from the hymnal. 
     Instead, the song of the gospel is a ballad of daring, mold-breaking, lie-rejecting, life-giving dissonance. Holy dissonance."

This is all in reference to the relationship between Paul and Timothy in the New Testament.  Sweet is saying that we all need to be a Timothy, an apprentice to someone, and that we all need to have a Timothy.  In reading this, what I have realized is that the people that I've needed the most have not been a Paul to me, for some reasons in their control and for some not in their control. It is really like I have not existed. I've been a Timothy, an apprentice, with no Paul or opportunities to find my song, for my strings to be played.

Now you'd have to read the book to understand that Timothy is just one of the eleven indispensible relationships that we must have.  But I would be testimony to the necessity of having that Paul/Timothy relationship in your life.  And please don't misunderstand. I do have Paul's in my life. I have caring people who encourage and mentor me. However, there are those people that I need within leadership, both local and district, that just haven't been there.