Saturday, December 20, 2008

What's it to me?

I would love to be able to ask that question and come up with an answer of "nothing, it's nothing to me." Unfortunately, I wasn't made that way. I was crafted in a way that has given me a heart that cares way too much. And more often than not, I am one to when things really aren't anything to me personally, I still take them to heart and they still affect me. I believe it is in many ways a blessing. It is a character trait that resembles being a shepherd. A shepherd cares for his sheep, he knows their pain and he protects them. I believe this trait plays a large role in my vocation. But, honestly there are days that I wish I could just not care, just not take things to heart, to just brush things off and walk away. To my understanding, this scenario I discussed a few days ago has been dealt with through the powers that be. But what hurts me about it, isn't those particular actions by those particular persons. I've gotten over them. And if met on the street would be completely cordial. What hurts me is how their actions are hurting the "family."

I could really care less if someone knocks on this perpetrators door to tell him/her they are wrong. What I'm looking for is someone to repair the damage that has been done inside the "family." Someone to at least begin to start talking openly and begin the healing process. Because right now, it feels as if we are all just going through the motions of life, with our heads held as high as we can, when inside our hearts are low and crushed. The hope is missing in many hearts and not talking about it is only prolonging the grieving process, in fact it's holding it back. The grieving process can't even begin because it's yet just another thing we sweep under the rug and pretend as if never happened.

On another note, I got a B+ in my last class. My first B in a really long time, and the first ever during my master's work. And to this, I can truly say, "I don't care!" Well, I care...but when asked "What's it to me?" ------ All that matters is I passed and its over!!! My next class begins January 26th. It is Philosophical Foundations of Ministry. It should be interesting.

Last night, I was asked about 101 questions about my schooling and my brain froze. I believe it actually staged a protest to discussions about schooling during my nearly two month break.

3 comments:

Julie said...

I understand your feelings and feel that way myself very much. Praying for you...

Kyle said...

Unfortunately you are part of a family. And this family does what most families do. They ignore the Gargantuan Rabid Elephant in the room so as not to upset the delicate balance of life where no one is happy but no one is unhappy. I suppose I should just come out and say it the way it feels to me... this whole thing BLOWS ROTTEN MILK CHUNKS OUT THE NOSE OF PEOPLE WHO WANT TO MOVE ON! I hope for your sake and the sake of the rest of the family that a sit down can happen or a dialogue can open and the process of healing can begin. I do have to say that it would be about time!

Sharon said...

Kyle - believe me I am trying to move on! In fact, I have been. However, being a good leader means that you not only set the direction but you pull your followers in that direction with you...and that unfortunately for most in the family can't and won't happen without some type of closure and some need a full explanation and even more sadly, some will just never understand and always have questions but we have to get people move forward....Gregory the Great (6th century pope) said it best: "For no one does more harm in the Church than he, who having the title or rank of holiness, acts evilly." Just moving forward at this point will cause us to take people kicking and screaming with us and that's not really growth or progression at all. We need to draw them close, hold their hands and walk them through it with Christ.

 
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