Not my possession...

"Most pastors would do well to remember that their ordination is not their possession. It is an authority that the church has loaned to them as a trust to be held with reverence and great humility. Because pastors are permitted, by virtue of their role, very privileged access into people's lives, their intentions must be honorable, their speech and actions respectful. Pastors hold the safety and well-being of the church and its members and are called to make themselves into safe harbors, worthy of the confidence others place in them."

~ Christina Braudaway-Bauman

It is very difficult for me to explain what I have been going through over the past five weeks in my Pastoral Leadership class. It's not so much the class that has disturbed me, as much as the timing of class with what is going on in my life and my church. God has used the class to open my eyes to deal with the reality that I have been avoiding as best as I can for over a year. It has forced me to realize and admit that things have not been right, and not just recently but for a really long time. It has caused me to rehash conversations, moments, actions and discussions in a new light: what a pastor is supposed to be and how she/he is supposed to act/behave.

I sit down to do my class work and I cannot finish it without balling my eyes out for many reasons: for not seeing the reality, for not speaking up about the things that I did see as wrong, for allowing a dear-to-my-heart friendship to be severely damaged, if not lost to protect others, for trusting and just following when red flags were flying left and right, for opening up to people who just really were not who they said they were. I cry for the unknown that lies ahead and I cry because I don't see how God could ever use me to in some way help to mend everything that has been broken. Except to remember that my calling is not my possession it is His and He will be faithful to complete it.