Why can't prayers be answered clearly...

have you ever wondered that? I've been praying and praying about where God wants me to be. And it seems that some days it is completely clear that I am supposed to be exactly where I am. But others, I feel like it's time to move on, like I'm not effective, appreciated, or wanted where I am.

I am trying to be so faithful to stick things out. I'm not a normal person. Because of my position, my choices are being watched and my actions as well. And I believe this is why I have so much inner conflict going on with where I am supposed to be. I know what my calling is. I don't always have faith that I can fulfill it but I know what it is. I just don't know where God is taking me with it. And there are so many days that I just would love to walk away from a task that I know Jesus never claimed would be easy.

As of late, I haven't literally wrote out a list but I have been mentally compiling a list of "pros and cons", or more appropriately a list of why's and why nots of staying put. On my "why list": the people that I love and appreciate and consider part of my family that I care so much about. I won't list my "why not to stay put list" but I can tell you that if I were to make my decision off of this "why not to stay put list"- I would have moved on about a year ago.

See I don't understand what is going on in this situation. I haven't for quite some time. But like I said, I do know what my calling is and that calling is to discipleship. It is to not only my own discipleship but to lead others to discipleship as well. Dietrich Bonhoeffer wrote (quoting one of Luther's sermons, I believe) in his book The Cost of Discipleship:

"Discipleship is not limited to what you can comprehend--it must transcend all omprehension. Plunge deep into the deep waters beyond your own comprehension, and I will help you to comprehend even as I do. Bewilderment is the true comprehension. Not to know where you are going is the true knowledge. My comprehension transcends yours. Thus Abraham went forth from his father and not knowing whither he went. He trusted himself to my knowledge, and cared not for his own, and thus he took the right road and came to his journey's end. Behold, that is the way of the cross. You cannot find it yourself, so you must let me lead you as though you were a blind man. Wherefore it is not you, no man, no living creature, but I myself, who instruct you by my word and Spirit in the way you should go. Not the work which you choose, not the suffering you devise, but the road which is clean contrary to all that you choose and contrive or desire--that is the road you must take. To that I call you and in that you must be my disciple. If you do that, there is the acceptable time and there your master is come."

As hard as it is to understand, my calling isn't about me. It's not about where I think I should be or what I think I should be doing, or if I'm living the best life or if I'm being praised at every turn or even if I'm being attacked for my actions or told that I'm not doing something right. It's not about me. It's about Him. It's about His message and about bringing the missing home to Him. That's where I need to find my peace - in Him, in the fact that I know that I am doing all that I am able to reach people for Christ, to be His disciple.

And when my "why not list" outweighs my "why list" from my perspective, maybe from His perspective - the lists are reversed. And everything on my "why not to stay list" is on His "why you're there list." I know for sure that His plan is bigger than mine. That like Luther said, not knowing where I am going is true knowledge because Christ's comprehension transends mine. As His disciple I have to trust that He knows where He is taking me.

There are just those days that I just really wish in my humanness that He would turn on the light at the end of the tunnel and let me just have a glimpse of what's ahead! Or in the very least, a sign of when enoughs enough.